Barefoot

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You know that warm, comforting feeling you get when you step onto soft grass with your bare feet? How the blades of grass gently tingle your skin and you feel a kind of one-ness with the earth?

You know that relieved breath of sigh you let out when you step out of your tiring shoes and sweaty socks at the end of a long day and let your toes feel the floor of your house? How the cool, hard tiled floor sends shivers of happiness right up your spine and you feel the majority of your stress and exhaustion just melt away into the ground?

You know that funky, uplifting feeling you get when you let your toes wriggle in the hot sand of a sunny, gorgeous beach? How your feet sink into the sand and you just become a part of the nature and beauty of the place itself?

I really hope you know how all this feels. I hope you’re not like me, terrified of letting myself walk barefoot on the ground for no logical reason. I hope when your toes touch the floor, you’re able to appreciate the beautiful feeling for me because damn, I wish I was in your place.

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Letter to My Stranger

Dear Stranger,

I guess I’ve got some things to clear up with you. And even more to apologise for.

I know I’ve been acting weirdly and I’m sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable. I did not mean to stare quite so hard at you, really. But it is partly your fault. You were the one who looked over first. And how do I explain what that did to me?

No, it’s not how you think it is. No, I’m not obsessed with you.

Fate is cruel. And so are your eyes. For they remind me of something. A someone who once mercilessly grabbed my arm and stomped on my already broken sanity. Your eyes have his laugh, Stranger. It knocks all breath out of my body.

It’s so much easier telling the world and even myself that I’m attracted to you because it’s the biggest lie I’ve ever spoken. And I could be a professional for all the lies I’ve told in my life. So that’s what I do. I tell them I’m hopelessly attracted to you so they’d think my abnormal attentiveness to your presence is normal.

Attraction is thrilling. But the shreds of my mind confuses that thrill with fear way too often. And that’s what’s happening between you and me. My own fear is pulling me towards you instead of making me run. It’s not courage. It’s self destruction.

My eyes are fixed on every move you make in a horrified paralysis. My mind is frantic with terror, seeing nothing but that imaginary monster in you and that monster alone. My body is cold with memory for it remembers more than my mind does, even the bits I subconsciously shut out to protect myself.

Dear Stranger, you make it more difficult when you stare back. And I’m so sorry for never looking away. I’m so sorry for hating you for something you never were and never will be. I’m sorry for glaring at you and I’m sorry for the unreciprocated friendly smiles.

But mostly I’m sorry for ever having run into you and dragging you into the middle of my crazy world. You deserve it even less than I did.

Sincerely,

That Girl Who Stares Too Much.

A Hard Choice

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Heartbeat

In overdrive,

Breathing

Laboured

And terrified,

Eyes

Closed shut

Tight,

I hover

Between life

And death,

Wondering

Whether

To give in

And jump

Over the

Precipice.

~Diksha

Drowning Reality

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Blurry eyes

And clouded vision –

My own mind

Feels like a prison.

Desperate fingers

Struggling in the smoke,

Trying to grasp reality

Which is but a joke.

The chaos in my head,

Like a bottomless pool,

Threatens to drown me –

The delusional fool.

Here in the water,

With no air to breathe,

I flail around, terrified,

Of the monster underneath.

My screams go unheard

And fighting is no use,

My throat feels choked

By an invisible noose.

Limbs getting paralysed,

I strain my eyes to see

But I might as well be blind

For down here, it’s just you and me.

~Diksha

Uninvited Guest

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Hidden in a crevice,

Lying silently in a nook,

Sneaking around creepily –

Fleeting glimpses when I look;

Breathing down my neck

As I’m buried in a book;

His deathly, chilly presence

Leaves me frozen – spooked and shook.

~Diksha

Trapped

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I long to speak out

But find myself

Unable to shout.

I long to cry a single tear

But find my eyes

Frozen in fear.

I long to wrench out a scream

But find myself in

An uncontrollable dream.

I long to run away

But find my legs

Weakly sway.

I long to finally escape

But find myself

Nowhere safe.

I long to be free

But find my demons

A part of me.

~Diksha

It’s Not Okay

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Three simple words.

And yet, the effort to admit that they are true… Not so simple.

It’s not okay.

We’re afraid to say it. Afraid that saying it will give it that air of finality that we’re terrified of. Afraid that saying it will make us weak. Afraid that saying it, will make it real.

We build walls around us. Try to hide our true feelings. Try to hide our pain. Try to hide our troubles. And somewhere along the way… We end up hiding us from our own selves.

We put up a brave front. Tell anyone who messes with us, anyone who hurts us, to fuck themselves. Tell ourselves that we’re okay on our own.

We keep the truth deep down inside us. Because we don’t want to be a coward by saying that it hurts.

But you know what?

It takes a real hardcore to let it all out. To lay their pain, naked, for all the world to see. To admit that they’re not okay.

That it’s not okay.

And when they’ve done that, they’re already on the path of healing.

Because when they admit that, they are no longer cowards. They may not be okay.

But they sure as hell are freakin’ awesome!

 

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