I guess I’ve got some things to clear up with you. And even more to apologise for.
I know I’ve been acting weirdly and I’m sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable. I did not mean to stare quite so hard at you, really. But it is partly your fault. You were the one who looked over first. And how do I explain what that did to me?
No, it’s not how you think it is. No, I’m not obsessed with you.
Fate is cruel. And so are your eyes. For they remind me of something. A someone who once mercilessly grabbed my arm and stomped on my already broken sanity. Your eyes have his laugh, Stranger. It knocks all breath out of my body.
It’s so much easier telling the world and even myself that I’m attracted to you because it’s the biggest lie I’ve ever spoken. And I could be a professional for all the lies I’ve told in my life. So that’s what I do. I tell them I’m hopelessly attracted to you so they’d think my abnormal attentiveness to your presence is normal.
Attraction is thrilling. But the shreds of my mind confuses that thrill with fear way too often. And that’s what’s happening between you and me. My own fear is pulling me towards you instead of making me run. It’s not courage. It’s self destruction.
My eyes are fixed on every move you make in a horrified paralysis. My mind is frantic with terror, seeing nothing but that imaginary monster in you and that monster alone. My body is cold with memory for it remembers more than my mind does, even the bits I subconsciously shut out to protect myself.
Dear Stranger, you make it more difficult when you stare back. And I’m so sorry for never looking away. I’m so sorry for hating you for something you never were and never will be. I’m sorry for glaring at you and I’m sorry for the unreciprocated friendly smiles.
But mostly I’m sorry for ever having run into you and dragging you into the middle of my crazy world. You deserve it even less than I did.
That Girl Who Stares Too Much.
I want to be five years old again. Back when colours were just colours and not reminders of people I once used to know. When happiness came in tiny, brightly-coloured packets of shiny candy and wasn’t accompanied with bitter memories that turned my tongue sour. When love was the toys I shared with my friends and not an elusive firefly I could never catch, glowing dimmer and dimmer the closer I got to it.
I want to be eight years old again. Back when games were just games, innocent fun to pass a lazy summer day and this deadly hide-and-seek life now plays with me was still in the future, far away. When my fingers were still learning to grip my pen with ease and not ripping apart notebooks filled with words from a past me. When songs were sung in high, exulted notes and not a voice near breaking for the fifth time today.
I want to be fifteen years old again. Back when breathing was something I did without a thought and didn’t have to think twice about laughing too hard. When a door was just a door with exciting adventures behind it and not a door with monsters lurking in the corners beside it. When life was a road I was yearning to walk, my eyes blissfully oblivious of the weeds that grew further down the path.
I don’t want to be twenty years old yet. I still have to call the people I think of when my eyes catch a certain shade of yellow. I still have to thank everyone who bought me candy when I was eleven. I still need to chase that firefly and seek the future. I still have to tape together the ripped notebooks, still need to try singing that song again because I’m positive, this time I can do it. I still need to catch my breath just so I can laugh some more. Still have to try the knob of every door. And when I’m done with all of that, I still need to put on a new pair of shoes and dance my way through all those weeds that lurk down the paths I choose.
It’s a vicious cycle. This endless cycle of disappointment.
You say words I never expected you to, words that sting like a mother. Then I defy you in those open acts of rebellion that are the shining feature of my personality. Stubborn. Irrational. Self-destructive.
It makes you glare at me, my defiance. I can feel the heat of your anger rolling off your skin. Your compulsive need to tame me making your hands itch. I can see your fingers twitching. I can feel the red spots in your vision.
And that is when your hand rises. The end of the power struggle. Your victory over me. Brute strength always wins this battle. Especially when I am right.
You are in control. And you leave no opportunity to remind me of that.
But that is not where the story ends. Because the wounds you inflict on me are the signs of your real failure. Your failure as a man. They are the evidence of how wrong you are.
One day, I shall parade them. One day, when you’ve ruined me enough for nakedness to not bother me anymore, I will parade them. One day, you’ll feel my shame. One day, you’ll see disappointment and hate in their eyes too, like I saw in yours.
My bruises might be hidden for now, protecting you awhile, but one day, the bloody gashes inside my head will give me the ink to write out your doom.
Image Credit: https://agnes-cecile.deviantart.com/art/are-scars-on-body-217843735
The image is blurry, as if seen through a film of smoke. Fading memories – realities slipping through my fingers.
One of them said it never happened. One of them whispered that it did. One of them laughed at my perplexity. One of them shrieked the sordid details in my ear.
Hours pass each day as I think and think it all through. Real or not real, who will ever know?
And how does it matter – my truth or their truth? The universe is all relative and history is written by winners anyway.
Real or not real – they have fucked up my brain. The damage is done now and I’ll never be the same ever again.
Image credits: agnes-cecile on deviantart.com
Breathless, I strain
Against the pull of the puppet string –
In the confines of the circus ring.
Like a demonic sadist,
You torture me like a mere plaything.
From one crazy height
To another of insanity you swing.
Flirting with madness,
You revel in your lunatic fling;
Forcing me on the tightrope,
You laugh at how I struggle to cling.
You pull at me harder
Just to relish in how my screams sing,
For I am your puppet
And you, insanity’s best circus king.
Image source: https://in.pinterest.com/pin/485262928576155289/
Of the winter breeze
Against my cheek,
Of my cold feet
On the pavement
While my fingers freeze,
A sharp intake
Of breath – the building up
Of a sneeze,
Of the morning air
Whispering in my ear
Like a mischievous tease.
Each of man’s quarrels –
The woman’s fault:
An ageless blame game
That he would not halt.
Battle and bloodshed –
The woman’s fault;
At every turn of the road,
Her honour suffers assault.
Man’s fall from grace –
The woman’s fault;
Of his own superiority
Must fickle man always exalt?